What nobody tells us about the "Chair theory" from "Dear Zindagi"

What it is: 

“Dear Zindagi” took Indian cinemas by storm as probably the first-ever movie that featured the healing effects of therapy - and recently, for absolutely no apparent reason, I have been thinking about the chair theory that featured in it. 

As Alia expresses her character’s plight of not being able to find the right one for herself, SRK jumps in to introduce the chair theory - 

When you go shopping for chairs, do you settle for the first one available? 

No. 

We try out a few before we can settle for the one which suits us the best.

Relationships are much like that. We might have to try our hand at a few, before we settle for that one person. 

(Image courtesy within image)

What I think of this theory: 

If you ask me, I largely subscribe to this idea. Relationships are the biggest (and probably the best) teachers - the lessons of love are indelible. And sometimes, we require multiple such lessons to know what we want (or don’t!). 

Love teaches us less about who the other person is, and more about who we are. When relationships fail, we realize that often the things that bother us are only a reflection of what might be wrong with us - or, what our tolerance level is. They also make us more empathetic people - no good person ever came out of a hurt-free life.

What nobody tells us: 

As we open up about the chair theory, what we often forget to tell people is just how EXHAUSTING it is. 

Relationships are a lot of work - the amount of emotional, intellectual, personal investment that goes into loving a person - and constantly choosing them, is immeasurable. This also goes to show how  hauntingly beautiful it is - the secrets you’ve kept are no longer yours, the life you lead is now as much theirs (to a large extent), as it is yours. You are partners in crime - moments live you, and time passes you by - the two of you just exist. 

By now, you can either relate to - or imagine - the devastation that may follow if something like that ends. The pieces you break into are something you spend days - weeks - years collecting. Some of these are lost forever. Guaranteed - you are no longer the same person. 

Restarting all of it - asking someone else their favorite cuisine, their fondest memory, their most frequent thought - seems like turning to page one of the book you so lovingly started in the hope of a happy ending. It’s also why so many people find it difficult to come out of toxic relationships - just THE THOUGHT of being this bare, this emotionally naked all over again, is exigent. 

Failures in life are common. You fail an exam, lose a job, fail to fulfill your dreams. However, such failures, to some extent (I think), can be overcome by relentless resilience. Be stubborn enough to find your way around adversity - eventually, adversity will pave the way to the exit for you. 

With people - that’s slightly difficult. Love is a roulette wheel. There is no pattern, no game, no mathematical probability that can confirm that you would succeed in finding it after 7 chair tries. Or even 10. Or 20. Some find it at round 1. Some are at 25. 

The solution?

There is none. 

We venture into love, with the hope that cupid is kind. 

And then we either - 

1. remain in it - bound with acceptance and warmth. 

2. endure it - in the fear that we might find something worse, or nothing at all. 

3. come out of it - perhaps hopeless - definitely devastated. 

So perhaps, true love is not for the risk averse. It is not for those who fear the hurt & the thought of the life-shattering despondence that comes with grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. But if you’re brave enough to try, life may just reward you. Take it from millions of people who have been in love and endured heartbreaks - in one way or the other, relationships carve us into nuanced individuals capable of doing things we never thought we could. 

So while SRK tells us just how important it is to test those chairs - I’ve taken this opportunity to remind you of the aches that follow.

If you’re someone who doesn’t want to take that risk though - I pray, dear child, that love never finds you in its rawest form.