One of the hardest things I have done in life is to go about my day after a heartbreak, pretending everything was fine.
Humans are capable of overcoming so much loss in life, and yet, when it comes to love, most fall apart. I look back at my past relationships, and realize just how difficult it was for me to go through what I did. The sleepless nights, the constant nausea, the loss of appetite, the complete dissonance with reality - heartbreaks have made it difficult for me to breathe, very literally. Amidst these storms, I’ve learnt some valuable lessons.
You cannot ask someone to choose you.
I remember asking someone to choose me. And I did this enough times to have lost a part of myself. I did not recognize who I was - this person who constantly wanted someone to recognize her worth, knowing full well, just how she had worked to be where she was today.
I think, sometimes, relationships seem to overshadow our lives. We tend to forget all that we have done, and wish to do, simply to be around that person. But this also makes them want us less. If we do not learn to respect ourselves - to keep the promises we made to ourselves - nobody - no matter how much they love you - will. If they want to, they will. There is nothing that defies this statement.
Consistency is everything.
Trust me when I say this - loving is easy. It is easy to spend most of your time together in the beginning, and make the other person feel that they mean everything to you. What isn’t easy is to love someone when things start getting tough. When life intervenes, and you have to scramble to make things work. What matters then, is how they make space consistently despite all of it. Realizing the importance of that person in front of you, and constantly knowing that they are someone you would always fight for, is what keeps relationships going. Nothing worthwhile comes easy.
Love is never enough.
Respect comes before everything. You can love someone wholeheartedly, and still not know how to respect them. It shows up in conversations in subtle ways - in jokes, in sarcastic comments aimed at an insecurity. Love is a crash course. Respect is the fundamental truth behind it. The right one would never make you feel lesser.
There’s of course more I could write, but I’ll leave that for another time. The only big lesson that I am leaving with is to remember to never lose your sense of self. There is nothing worse than not recognizing who you are anymore. I won’t say - “if they don’t, someone else will” - because I don’t believe in this. The investment that goes into a relationship, is the biggest deterrent for trying again. I believe in optimism, but I am equally afraid of the hurt. What I do believe in though, is in our ability to bounce back - albeit without some parts of ourselves that we originally called our own.
I write this today because writing is where vulnerability makes me feel the strongest. Heartbreaks have humbled me as a person - it has reminded me of the power that love - and potentially, a person - can hold over someone. It has also taught me to take a step back, and let it all pass, until I'm finally capable of seeing life for what it has to offer.
Unpleasant experiences are never welcome. But that makes them all the more necessary.
We are born as people.
When hit with love, and hurt - we become humans.
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