I am writing this today to re-discover, and re-welcome my old friend - loneliness. Only, this time, I write of it vicariously.
My office, much like most corporations, is a fete of diversities. I have befriended people of all ages, and from backgrounds that have been very different from mine. What has been common among all of them, though, was what had visited me in the past.
Over the past few months, I have seen people switch cities and jobs continuously, in the search of a space that makes them feel a little less alone. Absorb work, and opportunities for more than 14 hours to escape the threads of loneliness. Weep or drink through parties just to belong. Retain, or completely change lives because they could, or could not find "their people."
It has, and continues to be, at its best - a madhouse.
Understanding relationships Relationships are extremely delicate. Whether it is with your parents, your friends, your work, or, with yourself. I think most people drive through life without ever understanding this. Most friendships are taken in jokes, and with a pinch of salt; most relationships - too seriously, and with too much thought put into them. And the one with yourself is left largely unexplored.
So few of us are in sync with ourselves - we’re constantly looking for the next project, the next change, the next addition that there is absolutely no stopping. I have also been a victim to it - I have always wanted to do so much in so little time, that sitting with myself - a few rest days - have always felt like punishment. I used to depend on people so much that if any one ever left, I used to find myself seeking new friendships instantly. Only recently, have I felt comfortable with the idea of having little to no people in my life. I wish I could express just how freeing it is.
The consequences of loneliness in relationshipsI write of relationships, and self-exploration, because in my experience, loneliness comes when you do not know what to do with yourself. When sitting alone at a table to eat is your worst nightmare, and you have to constantly look for company. When you can get through life, alright, but only when you have people to do it with.
I think one of the reasons why so many people are stuck in unhappy marriages, friendships, relationships - or why so many of them desperately look for ANY relationship - is because loneliness terrifies them. They think that living alone is a life unlived. They’d take anything to escape that, at any cost.
With all due respect - how stupid is that?
You can only fully live your relationships, when they are relationships in nature, not projects.
What I mean by this is simple - any relationship with an unhealed person is a project. It means having to deal with their insecurities, and their unhealed pasts. I've had a lot of hate spurred at me for saying this, because a lot of people are of the opinion that people help each other heal - while I believe in this to some extent, I think it comes with a limit. Take it from a person who has tried and tested this method multiple times - life is tough enough for you. Working on yourself is tough. If you are with someone - anyone - who has a hard time with themselves, at one point, you will feel the weight of their entertainment on your freedom. You must grow in relationships, not therapize.
Learning to build an identity of your ownThe path to complete harmony in life, begins with harmonizing with yourself. If you have to ask me for practical advice,
Start with spending more time alone. Eat out alone, explore the city alone, learn a new skill alone.
Reflect upon what you enjoy doing the most - these are usually the things you’d be able to do all by yourself.
Put yourself in uncomfortable situations till they are not uncomfortable anymore.
Develop a complex self-identity i.e. obsess over one or two things if you'd like, but learn to define yourself in multiple ways. (Tell me if you’d like to read more about self-complexity here:)
Reach out to someone who has done this before.
Understanding self-complexity
Yes
Not really
Please remember - no one owes you belongingness. To me, there is nothing more unattractive in a person than their incapability to live alone. How, I often wonder, can I live with someone who cannot live with themselves?
As I may have previously mentioned, I have been lonely - a lot. It's tough, and at any point, it doesn't get easier. The sad truth is, life has no meaning. The good part is, that that leaves us space to create it.
Once we build a more compassionate, coherent identity of our own - everything else becomes easier. I wish I could tell more people that aloneness is art - and the mastery of it, probably our greatest strength. So, here's an ending note for all who have read this -
"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself." - Michel de Montaigne
Bonus one for those of you who aren't convinced ;) -
"Being alone is a power that very few can handle." - Steven Aitchison
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