People tell me that I make friends very easily, or that it comes very naturally to me to be able to strike a conversation with almost anyone, as long as I want to. While this is true to some extent, the flipside of such a demeanor shows itself in the emotional investment that goes into each relationship that I build with people.
As we grow up, we realize that each person in our life comes with different timelines - and different emotional capacities. The world unfolds into more dimensions than what we expect, and we are forced to come to terms with the elasticity of life. What that means is watching your loved ones leave for the next best opportunity, a circumstance that they have no control over or simply because they are bored of the life they have right now. It could also mean the person you thought “it could go somewhere with”, leaving you with sleepless nights, unanswered questions, and a decrepit feeling that they couldn’t find it in themselves to feel the same way about you.
I get it.
To watch someone leave is hard. Many times, it means forcing yourself to do things just so that you can escape that harrowing feeling that follows their departure. It also means having to rebuild your identity, because so much of who we are is defined through our relationships (check out these articles (1,2) on identity reconstruction).
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES
I have loved and liked all kinds of people - people who told me how much I meant to them, and who didn’t think twice before shutting down all contact with me. People who appeared to be the most mature communicators, but who couldn’t resolve a small fight over a phone call. Who, because of their lack of emotional intelligence, made me wonder what I did wrong, over and over again. People who knew just how uncomfortable I was with such changes, and who used it to their advantage to get more attention out of me.
It is almost amusing how incompatibility can get the better of us because at one point, people made me question myself. There was a time when I did not know who I was anymore because all I was doing was extremely uncharacteristic of me. I so badly wanted to hold on to the relationships I built, that I forgot I was a person of my own outside of them. And it takes so much (understandably), to come out of this.
But that does not mean I loved only those who were wrong for me.
On the much brighter, better side, I have people who live miles away, but who know a lot about my life. Who may not be able to pick my calls, but find ways to let me know that they’re there. Who still find the time to send that small (rather lame), but thoughtful reel in the middle of a busy work week. Who have understood my long periods of silences, and not taken it to heart.
I have never had to chase these friendships/relationships. They have sustained, as naturally (albeit with their own crests and falls), as they began. I cannot be more grateful for these relationships.
WHAT WE CAN DO
The truth is, life is not hard science. There are no set ways, laws or principles. No operational definitions. Nothing people do makes sense, because I don’t think most know what they’re doing anyway. But the right ones, truly, stick around.
Most of us think that we have unlimited emotional resources - but we don’t (check out these research papers on us having limited mental resources; also check out the spoon theory). Much like physical energy, and money, our mental capacities are limited. What we choose to invest them in, therefore, becomes important. Moreover, when we let go of the people and memories that are not good for us, we make space in our little hearts for newer, warmer experiences.
So, the three most important lessons, therefore, that I’ve learnt:
i. Love is vast, but it is not abundant. ii. There is only so much you can do. iii. When someone leaves or tells you that they want to, do yourself a favor, and let them |
WHAT I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
The more open we are to grief, the easier it will be for us to experience the opposite of it. Life is truly about balance, and those who fear pain will never know the joy of building new relationships, sustaining the right ones, and letting go of the ones that were never meant for them.
There comes a time in life where hope gives up and logic kicks in. It is then we must learn to embrace it, without resistance. We protect ourselves in ways we aren’t necessarily accepting of. A little faith in ourselves though, makes all the difference.
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